By Adriana Gonzalez-Ibarra, Staff Writer
I remember when I was 9
Asking my mom, "is dad coming to pick us up today" with a hopeful smile on my tiny face
"I don't know mija he hasn't called me" causing that smile to fade within a second
I was 9
It was a no call no show once again
This is the third time this month
"Why don't you want to see me, dad", is what I thought thinking he didn't love us anymore
I was 9 when you left me
You left me without telling us why you left in the first place
Left me with nothing but the anxious thought of I did something wrong, that's why he left and doesn't want to love me anymore
But as I grew up I began to realize that you were a kid yourself even as an adult
You never learned how to take care of yourself because the women in your life always took care of you
With that, you saw no real reason to grow up and handle your responsibilities because the women in your life would do everything for you
But my mother wasn't like every other woman in your life
She had enough when she realized that it was just her taking care of everyone
You, me, Antonio, and her
She was doing it all by herself she needed you but you could never see that could you
That is why mom left because you gave her all the responsibilities you didn't want
I always questioned her as to why she left but now I understand that you simply didn't want to grow up
I say this with a heavy heart you are the reason why I found someone who isn't like you in any way possible because I know he would never leave me or the family we will create
I won't lie to you and say I never looked for you in the future as time continued but I did look for you in every person I came across hoping that someone would prove themselves to me that not all men are like you
I broke my own heart time and time again then mom met Jr a year later after you left
He was supposed to step in your shoes that you made it as a father figure but he broke my perspective of men once again for the next 9 years of my life
I was 18 when I was looking at the barrel of a gun not knowing if I was going to live because Jr wanted to show me what God looked like
You know what my first thought was and what I begged for
I begged for you
From that moment on I knew I would have to move on because you were supposed to be there But you decided to leave because you were too much of a child to handle the responsibilities you had as a father
Now that you have passed away I never gave you a chance to explain yourself because when you tried I pushed you away the same way you did to me thinking that would make me feel better
I always told myself, "I'm not ready now but maybe a couple of years down the line I could push my pride to the side and listen to what he wanted to say to me when he first reached out," but that changed when I got a call on July 9th of 2023 from my mom telling me you passed away from a heart attack
My heart broke once more because that was a conversation I was never going to have with you and now I have to carry that with me for the rest of my life
But I can carry that knowing that it wasn't my responsibility to be a parent to you
That was your job and you failed and I hope you found peace when you passed and tried to right all the wrongs you did because there is a part of me that wished things were different
But if it weren't for you leaving then I wouldn't be the person I am today and yes that is heartbreaking to say but it needed to happen because I still believe everything happens for a reason
Don't get me wrong I think in some distant universe there is a version of you that didn't leave and you were the best father you could be and that you were there to walk me down the aisle when the time came and you would tell me while looking at me in my wedding dress
You look as beautiful as your mother the day I married her
But that is just a distant dream in a different universe and that brings me peace
Yet it is not a reality I have in this lifetime
In this lifetime I have to reminisce on the past and try and remember the moments in my life when you were there because even though you left, a part of me still loves you as much as I did when I was a little girl
Whether I like it or not you were meant to be my father and I was meant to be your daughter and it may seem like I hold resentment toward you but I have slowly learned to let it go because that is how you move on
But now I have to move on with a piece of you in my heart
I know it won't be easy but I know you are looking over me wishing me nothing but the best
And I want to say one more thing before I close this chapter in my life and that is, I'm sorry for everything I didn't do when you were alive
But I will have a piece of you in my heart forever and that is fine by me, especially in your absence.